I didn't even want to be pregnant until I wasn't.
I was disappointed when two lines showed up. Life was good. I was in the best shape I'd been in in a very long time. I had energy. Homeschooling was going great. Shopping trips with children didn't terrify me anymore. I was starting to catch up on projects around the house. Then, boom. Midday naps, an icky taste in my mouth, a churning stomach, and a missed period.
I was mad at God. How could he let this happen? My husband and I decided years ago that we were going to trust God with our family size, and that meant he wouldn't give us anymore than we could handle! I didn't want to handle another one!
I cried and complained to God, and let Him change my heart. God had always proven Himself to be trustworthy. He had always taken care of me. He had always been there for me. I had to bring myself to a place of trust. I had to see my family through His eyes. Every person in my family is different. God has given each of us different abilities and characteristics for a reason. I started to wonder what this next baby would be like. Would I finally get a girl after three boys? A little princess? What would God's purpose for this child be?
It took time to get used to the idea of being pregnant. I had my fears about surviving another pregnancy full of discomforts and decrease in energy. Over the next month I started telling close friends and their reactions changed my view of the situation even more. It was finally getting exciting and I had to fight the urge to start shopping! I made the big announcement and the excitement grew even more.
Somewhere between eight and nine weeks into the pregnancy I had woken in the middle of the night. I'd had a very strange but short dream. I was standing up and looking down at my cupped right hand. Nestled there, was a tiny, underdeveloped baby. I was confused. I don't know who I was with, but my first reaction was to say, "Why is that there?"
I then put my left hand on my belly and said, "The baby isn't supposed to be here yet."
All of a sudden, fear came over me and I woke up.
During my previous pregnancy, I'd had a dream that I was having twins. I got myself so worked up! So, I tried to dismiss it, but a few days later I made my first doctor appointment.
I was 10 1/2 weeks pregnant when I saw my doctor on the Monday before Thanksgiving. He went through all of the test results from my blood draw and everything was perfect. When it came time to listen to the heartbeat, there was nothing. He tried a portable ultrasound and could see a baby but, guessed it was measuring about one week behind. Still no heartbeat.
It was snowing that morning, so an ultrasound patient didn't show up for her appointment, which meant they could get me in on a "better machine" right away. A very serious faced ultrasound tech spent the next hour taking pictures and not talking. She didn't have to tell me anything. My doctor said he'd call after the radiologist had a look at the ultrasound, and told me not to get my hopes up.
I left shocked. Not sad. Not worried. Not anything. Just shocked.
I had a chance to tell my husband and my mom before we left town for a two night getaway with the kids. I couldn't tell anyone else. I couldn't be alone to think. I didn't want to think. Shock started to give way to confusion.
Why would God put me through 2 1/2 months of pregnancy for nothing? Was He warning me in that dream? Why did I have to spend all that energy "getting used to the idea" if it wasn't going to happen anyway? Should I be happy/sad/mad?
Confusion to guilt.
Did I cause this? Did I jog too much? Did I eat/drink/breath the wrong stuff? Did God just give me the freedom/comfort/easy life that I'd wanted (but I didn't want anymore!)?
Then, guilt to relief (which caused more guilt).
For the next 2 weeks my emotions were all over the place. I told some of our friends and our church family the news. We prayed for a miracle. The doctor called with confirmation. The radiologist agreed that I had a "missed miscarriage" which meant my body hadn't realized "the loss" yet. He explained the options I had, and I decided to "let nature take it's course". I cried in private and filled my days with activity. My mind raced throughout the night, and coffee became a necessity to get me through the day.
Then it happened. My water broke and within minutes my dream was coming true. Again I was shocked.
I was never a "finger and toe counter" when my kids were born. One look at them and they were perfect. Someone even counted fingers and toes once when visiting in the hospital and I must have looked at them like they were crazy!
Then all of a sudden, here I was, noticing ten fingers and ten toes. I looked into eyes that had started to develop and noticed the nose hadn't. I was stuck in time. Up until this point it was a "pregnancy" all of a sudden there was a baby. What took 12 1/2 weeks of my life was gone. Just like that. In three hours, I'd go to bed, not pregnant.
I thought I had just experienced the worst two weeks of my life. I wasn't expecting the week that was yet to come.
The next day, Tuesday, I was very weak and light-headed from losing a lot of blood the night before. I would still cramp off and on for several days to follow. By Thursday, I was able to do stuff around the house so I thought I'd take a trip to Walmart. By the time I got home I was cramping, dizzy, and in constant pain in my lower back and stomach. I took a long hot bath to relieve the pain, and thought about the many baths I'd tried to take with a screaming infant demanding that I cut it short. I could soak as long as I wanted now. I'd lie awake at night with my mind racing, thinking about how my days and nights are mixed up, yet everyone else is "sleeping through the night". It just felt so wrong! It would take 3 more days to feel "normal" again, and into the next week before I could clean my house.
It became very clear that week that God was teaching me something through all of this, at least a portion of this lesson... empathy.
I don't believe that God caused a miscarriage, but allowed it. Satan comes to steal, KILL, and destroy. God works for good. If I'm going to choose to trust God with my life, no matter what, then I need to look for the good.
Empathy.
What NOT to say (Please don't be offended if you have said any of these to me, but please don't say them to anyone else. I may be guilty of saying these things too.)
"I bet it's nice that it's finally over." - Would you say that to someone that just lost their parent, brother, child, or pet?
"I know someone that miscarried when she was 5/6/7... months. Wouldn't that be hard?" - Yes. Is that supposed to make me feel better?
"I know someone who miscarried and was back to normal like 2 days later." - People grieve differently. People heal differently. Don't rush anyone.
"At least you have all those other children." - A loss is a loss. Even though, I didn't feel like I NEEDED another child, I didn't NEED to lose one either.
What to say (If you said/did any of these to/for me, Thank you!)
"I'm here for you if you need to talk" - Even if I don't take you up on the offer, I appreciate that you recognize my need to grieve.
"What can I do for you?" - Even better, just do it. My best-friend brought me dinner one day. Our church family brought us a card with gift cards to 3 nearby restaurants. I wouldn't have asked for it, but there were days that cooking was physically or emotionally difficult. Offer to watch the kids. As much as I love my kids, time to rest/cry/think without the kids around was such a help to me.
"I love you/ my heart goes out to you/ I'm praying for you" - We all need people in our corner, especially when we're in pain.
If you are reading this and have suffered a miscarriage, I am so sorry. You are not alone in your pain. Although it isn't much comfort to hear that 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage, it should give you hope that there are people nearby that know what you are going through. I pray that people will reach out to you in love and help you through this difficult time. People do care. Sometimes the people that care the most say the most insensitive things because they don't know what else to say. Forgive them. Then take all the time that you need.
I was disappointed when two lines showed up. Life was good. I was in the best shape I'd been in in a very long time. I had energy. Homeschooling was going great. Shopping trips with children didn't terrify me anymore. I was starting to catch up on projects around the house. Then, boom. Midday naps, an icky taste in my mouth, a churning stomach, and a missed period.
I was mad at God. How could he let this happen? My husband and I decided years ago that we were going to trust God with our family size, and that meant he wouldn't give us anymore than we could handle! I didn't want to handle another one!
I cried and complained to God, and let Him change my heart. God had always proven Himself to be trustworthy. He had always taken care of me. He had always been there for me. I had to bring myself to a place of trust. I had to see my family through His eyes. Every person in my family is different. God has given each of us different abilities and characteristics for a reason. I started to wonder what this next baby would be like. Would I finally get a girl after three boys? A little princess? What would God's purpose for this child be?
It took time to get used to the idea of being pregnant. I had my fears about surviving another pregnancy full of discomforts and decrease in energy. Over the next month I started telling close friends and their reactions changed my view of the situation even more. It was finally getting exciting and I had to fight the urge to start shopping! I made the big announcement and the excitement grew even more.
Somewhere between eight and nine weeks into the pregnancy I had woken in the middle of the night. I'd had a very strange but short dream. I was standing up and looking down at my cupped right hand. Nestled there, was a tiny, underdeveloped baby. I was confused. I don't know who I was with, but my first reaction was to say, "Why is that there?"
I then put my left hand on my belly and said, "The baby isn't supposed to be here yet."
All of a sudden, fear came over me and I woke up.
During my previous pregnancy, I'd had a dream that I was having twins. I got myself so worked up! So, I tried to dismiss it, but a few days later I made my first doctor appointment.
I was 10 1/2 weeks pregnant when I saw my doctor on the Monday before Thanksgiving. He went through all of the test results from my blood draw and everything was perfect. When it came time to listen to the heartbeat, there was nothing. He tried a portable ultrasound and could see a baby but, guessed it was measuring about one week behind. Still no heartbeat.
It was snowing that morning, so an ultrasound patient didn't show up for her appointment, which meant they could get me in on a "better machine" right away. A very serious faced ultrasound tech spent the next hour taking pictures and not talking. She didn't have to tell me anything. My doctor said he'd call after the radiologist had a look at the ultrasound, and told me not to get my hopes up.
I left shocked. Not sad. Not worried. Not anything. Just shocked.
I had a chance to tell my husband and my mom before we left town for a two night getaway with the kids. I couldn't tell anyone else. I couldn't be alone to think. I didn't want to think. Shock started to give way to confusion.
Why would God put me through 2 1/2 months of pregnancy for nothing? Was He warning me in that dream? Why did I have to spend all that energy "getting used to the idea" if it wasn't going to happen anyway? Should I be happy/sad/mad?
Confusion to guilt.
Did I cause this? Did I jog too much? Did I eat/drink/breath the wrong stuff? Did God just give me the freedom/comfort/easy life that I'd wanted (but I didn't want anymore!)?
Then, guilt to relief (which caused more guilt).
For the next 2 weeks my emotions were all over the place. I told some of our friends and our church family the news. We prayed for a miracle. The doctor called with confirmation. The radiologist agreed that I had a "missed miscarriage" which meant my body hadn't realized "the loss" yet. He explained the options I had, and I decided to "let nature take it's course". I cried in private and filled my days with activity. My mind raced throughout the night, and coffee became a necessity to get me through the day.
Then it happened. My water broke and within minutes my dream was coming true. Again I was shocked.
I was never a "finger and toe counter" when my kids were born. One look at them and they were perfect. Someone even counted fingers and toes once when visiting in the hospital and I must have looked at them like they were crazy!
Then all of a sudden, here I was, noticing ten fingers and ten toes. I looked into eyes that had started to develop and noticed the nose hadn't. I was stuck in time. Up until this point it was a "pregnancy" all of a sudden there was a baby. What took 12 1/2 weeks of my life was gone. Just like that. In three hours, I'd go to bed, not pregnant.
I thought I had just experienced the worst two weeks of my life. I wasn't expecting the week that was yet to come.
The next day, Tuesday, I was very weak and light-headed from losing a lot of blood the night before. I would still cramp off and on for several days to follow. By Thursday, I was able to do stuff around the house so I thought I'd take a trip to Walmart. By the time I got home I was cramping, dizzy, and in constant pain in my lower back and stomach. I took a long hot bath to relieve the pain, and thought about the many baths I'd tried to take with a screaming infant demanding that I cut it short. I could soak as long as I wanted now. I'd lie awake at night with my mind racing, thinking about how my days and nights are mixed up, yet everyone else is "sleeping through the night". It just felt so wrong! It would take 3 more days to feel "normal" again, and into the next week before I could clean my house.
It became very clear that week that God was teaching me something through all of this, at least a portion of this lesson... empathy.
I don't believe that God caused a miscarriage, but allowed it. Satan comes to steal, KILL, and destroy. God works for good. If I'm going to choose to trust God with my life, no matter what, then I need to look for the good.
Empathy.
What NOT to say (Please don't be offended if you have said any of these to me, but please don't say them to anyone else. I may be guilty of saying these things too.)
"I bet it's nice that it's finally over." - Would you say that to someone that just lost their parent, brother, child, or pet?
"I know someone that miscarried when she was 5/6/7... months. Wouldn't that be hard?" - Yes. Is that supposed to make me feel better?
"I know someone who miscarried and was back to normal like 2 days later." - People grieve differently. People heal differently. Don't rush anyone.
"At least you have all those other children." - A loss is a loss. Even though, I didn't feel like I NEEDED another child, I didn't NEED to lose one either.
What to say (If you said/did any of these to/for me, Thank you!)
"I'm here for you if you need to talk" - Even if I don't take you up on the offer, I appreciate that you recognize my need to grieve.
"What can I do for you?" - Even better, just do it. My best-friend brought me dinner one day. Our church family brought us a card with gift cards to 3 nearby restaurants. I wouldn't have asked for it, but there were days that cooking was physically or emotionally difficult. Offer to watch the kids. As much as I love my kids, time to rest/cry/think without the kids around was such a help to me.
"I love you/ my heart goes out to you/ I'm praying for you" - We all need people in our corner, especially when we're in pain.
If you are reading this and have suffered a miscarriage, I am so sorry. You are not alone in your pain. Although it isn't much comfort to hear that 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage, it should give you hope that there are people nearby that know what you are going through. I pray that people will reach out to you in love and help you through this difficult time. People do care. Sometimes the people that care the most say the most insensitive things because they don't know what else to say. Forgive them. Then take all the time that you need.